Posted January 1, 2021
It’s finally here! A brand new year! Hey that means….. *looks out window*
Oh. No….. the world is still f–ked…. but hey, at least will still have video games! Right? *looks out window again*
Oh. Well, at least…. you know what, this spiel is going on for too long!
I will now use my great other worldly powers to look into the future…. WOO WEE WOOOO!
Woah…. well… damn. I’ll put it to you this way….. looks like 2020 wasn’t so bad after all!
So let’s just predict random video game related garbage, then!
Avengers get cancelled– That’s right. After Spiderman gets released for PlayStation owners, SE will call it quits and pull the plug on the game. You’ll still be able to play the campaign, but that’s about it. As a nice thank you, however, they’ll release all the skins locked behind those weird battle passes for free.
And so does Stadia– I mean it this time! Stadia finally ends! You can expect the announcement sometime in the summer, possibly near E3….. Oh, and if you bought games for it, don’t worry- you’ll get a voucher for those games either on Steam or for the Epic Games Store. Speaking of E3….
E3 comes back, but not like you think– No real brick and mortar venue, but all online. We’ll get several presentations from Sony, Microsoft, and a Nintendo Direct. Guess I should predict what will happen to Nintendo as well….
Zelda gets the 3D All Stars Treatment– Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, Wind Waker HD, and Twilight Princess HD, all on one cart…..FOR A LIMITED TIME! There will also be a HD remaster of Skyward Sword, because Nintendo knows how much you want it! Also, first footage of Breath of the Wild 2.
And Metroid gets….. The Prime Trilogy…. Again– It’s just a port of the wii version….but hey- at least they’ll be plenty of them to go around… until Nintendo pulls the plug yet again! We also get our first look at Prime 4’s gameplay…. at the Video Game Awards 2020.
Nintendo not only adds N64 games, but Gameboy and Gamecube games to the Switch online service– Not going to be a lot of games, but it’ll be “enough”. Well get Super Mario 64, Mario Kart 64, and F-Zero X for the N64 to start out. Next we’ll get Super Mario Land, Super Mario Land 2, Kirby Pinball, and Pokemon Red and Blue for the GB lineup. Super Mario Sunshine, Mario Party 4, and Kirby’s Air Ride is all you’ll get for the gamecube lineup, with each system getting a game every month.
Perfect Dark is ruined– Yeah, it’s not going to be good. Something about multiplayer focus and episodic content a la Hitman from a few years ago. Not a pretty sight…..
E3 Predictions– Resident Evil 4 Remake is shown off. It’s goes in a different direction, being in first person like RE7 while staying true to the original game. Rare finally shows off Banjo Kazooie….but it’s not going to look like you want it to. Bethesda finally shows off Starfield and a Fallout project, as well as some early stuff regarding Elder Scrolls VI. We get a new Forza Horizon set in Japan, and Gex returns. You heard it hear first! It’s tail time….AGAIN!
Games of The Year– Get this- Balan Wonderland gets a bunch of rewards. That’s right- I’m putting my non-existent money on Balan Wonderland! Horizon Forbidden West, Ghostwire Tokyo, SMT 5 and God of War Ragnarok. This assumes that all these games I listed actually come out.
Disappointments of the Year– Sadly, Halo Infinite doesn’t live up to the hype, even after being put back in the oven for a few months. Other disappoinments will stem from games announced at E3 that come out quite haphazardly, but Halo will be the big one. Also, the aforementioned Perfect Dark.
We get a Mini Console you won’t see coming!– Is it the Dreamcast? Saturn? Maybe the friggin Virtual Boy? Who knows- but we know you’ll buy it anyway, you sheep!
CD Projekt Red actually fixes Cyberpunk 2077– They’ll do it! It’ll take a while though- a few months, maybe not until summer. It’ll only cap at 30 frames on base consoles, and still be a bit buggy, but it’ll be playable- more playable then it is now, anyway.
The Scalpers win….. for most of the year– The scalping for the PS5 doesn’t stop. No matter how many units Sony sends out, bots buy them up in droves. They are fights in line here or there, as the stock depletes itself. Soon, the government steps in and takes control. Near the tail end of the year, we finally get to buy them at MSRP. The Xbox Series X isn’t as affected, causing sales numbers to explode for Microsoft. Again, don’t buy from scalpers. You CAN wait this out! I believe in you!
Tony Hawk 1+2 get THPS 3 DLC– All the levels and goals, plus they finally get the rights to use Wolverine and Darth Maul. And yes- they add (most) of the tracks as well, as well as a bunch of new challenges. There’s also a pretty neat Switch port on the horizon.
Doomguy gets announced for Smash– I’m feeling it this year! Another contenders are Crash Bandicoot, the Dragonborn from Skyrim, and yet ANOTHER Fire Emblem rep, because f–k you.
You know what? That’s enough. Notice that I didn’t put anything Covid related? Well, that’s because we’re going to beat this thing! You think we’re going to let a dumb little virus from stopping us? Hell no! We survived the plague, the Dark Ages, and the Star Wars sequels- we can overcome ANYTHING! Now let’s finish the fight! TO ARMS! TO ARMS!
*Marches into empty battlefield and starts swatting the air with sword*
“DIE VIRUS! DIE! TASTE MY STEEL!”
And yeah, I’ll post more. Still working on that massive GBA licensed garbage tier list, and want to do a in-depth review of the Retroid Pocket 2, which I got my hands on. Have a safe and happy 2021, and remember- we will persevere!
What did you think? Is all this insane garbage going to come true, or am I completely out of it? Let me know your own predictions in the comments below!