Nontroversy: No, Animal Crossing doesn’t promote colonialism or animal cruelty, you nerfherders

Nontroversy: No, Animal Crossing doesn’t promote colonialism or animal cruelty, you nerfherders

Posted March 28, 2020

Nookconquers
Tom Nook discovering Hoor Island- 1472, Colorized

The end times are at hand, so what better way to prepare for the four horseman of the Apocalypse and by playing some Animal Crossing: New Horizons?

Indeed, now that the Coronavirus (that’s right- I’m allowed to say it! Take THAT, Susan!) is forcing everyone indoors and eating up our precious toilet paper supply, what better way to pass the time then to plant flowers, cut down those awful pear trees, manipulate the turnip stock market, and finally defeating that raccoon for good to become the rightful king of (INSERT NAME OF YOUR AC ISLAND HERE)? Yes, Animal Crossing: New Horizons may be the perfect game to get a lot of people though this admittedly difficult and dark time, with it’s incredibly comfy island atmosphere and overall chill presentation. Of course, we can’t have nice things, which is why Animal Crossing: New Horizons is now being “slammed” (god, I hate this word now. Can Yahoo PLEASE stop using it?) for promoting the following things-

-Colonialism

-Animal Abuse

-Speciesism

-Not having NES games like the GC entry (NINTENDO! WHY!)

-And Much Much More! (Give them a few days… they’ll think of something!)

That’s right….. Animal Crossing, one of the most innocent and care free games of all time, is being accused of making kids and 30 year old nerds with disposable income want to go (aka Me) out to native lands, take all the resources, doing unmentionable things to the women, and DESTROYING THE OLD! (RUN TO THE HILLS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!)

And there’s not one, not two, but MULTIPLE articles about it. In what’s to go down in the worst review I read for a game since Gamespot’s review of Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze for the Wii U (seriously? A 6? A BLOODY 6!?) Vice writer Gita Jackson peers far, FAR too much into the game’s non-existent politics to go and say that the game let’s you be like those awful, awful (read: EVIL AND WHITE!) European explorers of  old that would go in and take everything. The thing is that these islands have no natives and only have fruit, fish, and other stuff- which, by the way- you are encouraged to take home and use further your own island. Oh, and there is no analogy to the real world, because the islands in Animal Crossing DO NOT EXIST. It’s all harmless fantasy of a perfect world where no one ever dies, and everybody knows your name- it’s not meant to, or has it ever meant to be a metaphor for the destruction and genocide of native populaces, you DUNCE! And by stating so, you are, in fact, slandering the good name of the Animal Crossing franchise and everything it stands for….

Super Mario is sexist. Animal Crossing promotes colonialism. Mario Kart is racist for not having characters of color… Where do these people get off!? Oh, I know- the get off at “I need to get out more and stop using twitter” street!

But wait… there’s more!

Not only do you destroy the ecosystem of non-existent, self-sustaining islands, apparently you also kill off all of the fish in lakes and rivers, and the bugs in wildlife with your reckless conquest of both uncharted islands, all for monetary gain! (OF COURSE!)

PETA has come along and planted the “NO FUN ALLOWED” sign by decrying AC of it’s disregard for the lives of the fish and bugs in which you capture hundreds of in the game. They say it’s not vegan to do so, and that it promotes the killing and capture of so many fish and bugs….

NEWS FLASH, PETA! NEWS FLASH!

First of all, the game never states what happens to any of the fish or bugs you sale in the game. Not one mention. Who knows…. for all we know, Tommy and Timmy probably sends them to an organization that, I don’t know, DOESN’T kill half the animals it claims to try and help? Oh, and bugs aren’t people. There, I said. Bugs lives DON’T matter. Why are you booing me? I’m right!

And how the hell is AC bad for the environment? Am I going to chop all my trees down in game, and suddenly, the ozone layer is going to corrode completely in real life? Are you DENSE!?

So now, a call to action. Mrs. Jackson (WHOO! I AM FOR REAL!) wants colonialism? We’ll give her colonialism! I want every player reading this to take every fruit, pick every weed, and harvest every rock on every mystery island you go to! I then want you to chop down every tree and hunt down every bug you see! After that, you must pick every flower and dig up every stump. I want SCORCHED EARTH. NO ONE ESCAPES THE ISLAND MYSTERY TOURS ALIVE! Also, just leave whatever trash you want… you know why I want you to do these things?

It’s a video game. What you do in the game has no real life consequences. I can’t believe I have to say this to people in 20 freaking 20! If you want to play how probably Ms. Jackson plays and only take what you need- that’s fine too… because like I said, it’s only a game.

Same thing goes for PETA. They want an fish and bug genocide, then that’s what I’m going to do! What are they going to do? Call the cops because I caught a carp? Berate me online for stepping on roaches?

However, I do agree with PETA on one thing…. Tom Nook is one hell of a exploitative son of a b—h. I mean, how the hell do you think he got to such a high place of power….

Wait a minute. The fishing. The colonialism…. Oh my god….

IT WAS NOOK ALL ALONG! HE WAS THE ONE! HE’S THE ONE WE NEED TO DEFEAT! EVERYONE! WE NEED TO-

*Bang*

NOTNOOKNONOTNOOKNO2NOTOM

Do you agree with PETA, or Vice? Does Animal Crossing really promote Colonialism and Animal Cruelty? Let me know in the comments below!

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