WARNING: THIS ARTICLE IS A PARODY. PLEASE DON’T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY.
Posted on January 4, 2018
If you read this blog, them you’ll agree- all white people deserve to go away. Too long have they ruined literally everything, from Mayo to Taco Bell, and no one is safe- one day they might go into your house and wreck up the joint, and sell your children’s organs to zoos for meat! In other words, they must be stopped!
One particular sub-group of white people is those evil, vile, and smelly gamers! There’re pure evil- just look what they did to Bam Margera!
White Gamers are so evil, that I just had to compile a list of everything they need to stop ruining, or else me and my brothers and sisters will protest, peacefully, of course- we were kings once, you know!
Also, if your a white gamer girl who’s name isn’t Pauline, then you are excused, as its a known fact that women can do no wrong! If you disagree, then your a bigot who should be forced to watch Feminist Frequency, after being water boarded, of course!
So here is the list of totally gaming related things that these… monsters…… need to stop destroying!
That’s right! Taco Bell! Yes, this is totally related to gaming! Too long these so called “gamers” have gone here for a quick bite to eat. Poor poor Latino gamers are forced into labor to work in the Dorito mines of Kessel by those evil white gamers, just they can have their fix. Shameful!
No longer are games played on webzones safe! Now those meddling white gamers and their stupid dog have made gaming unfun for everyone, as they are the ones leaving messages like “GG EZ” and “BG” after every game! Will Jeff Kaplan ever sleep easy, knowing these people exist?
I mean look at this s@#t! Only a white gamer would come up with something so stupid!
The other day, a bunch of cords for my Playstation 2 were all tangled up. This could be only one group of people- white gamers! They must of broke in and tangled them all up! How dare they!
13. “Nuclear” By Mike Oldfield
This should speak for itself…
Again, it speaks for itself! You can almost taste the mayo they slather on them!
11. Tekken 7
Sure, the game has a lot of diversity, but it also has a lot of white people in it! I mean, look at this character! The whitest character I have ever seen!
10. Super Mario Odyssey
In this world where we every kind of race you can possibly think of, why the hell did they make Paulina, a totally new character that is defiantly not from the original Donkey Kong arcade game (if you heard other wise, it was most likely fake news!), a white gamer chick? Disgusting, and Shameful! Also, dishonorable mention to the blatant racism in the game!
9. DOTA 2 and MOBA’s in General
White gamers have- wait. No, MOBAS have always been terrible, even without white people. I’ll leave this on the list, because I know those shifty white gamers are behind it, somehow!
8. Grand Theft Auto V
If your white, and have played as Franklin in GTA V, then you have committed digital black face, and must be punished! Please report to your local Black Lives Matter protest so you can face your punishment like a man!
Everytime I start a new game, some pasty old white dude keeps telling me what to do, and he reminds me of Donald Trump. This is very triggering! Also, were is the LGTBQPRSTUV representation- there’s more then two genders, you bigots! I want all 286 genders represented in Pokemon: Rainbow, or I’ll boycott the game (even though I don’t even plan on buying it in the first place!) This lack of representation is to blame on, you guessed it, white gamers!
As we all know, using digital money is incredibly racist, as Donald Trump and the KKK buy everything digitally. Why the hell can’t I just put my money in a slot on my console so I can buy 100 lootboxes for Battlefront II, and the money can be magically teleported straight into EA’s bank account? White gamers, of course, are to blame!
5. Oculus Rift
Look up the Oculus Rift on Google Images. Who is seen playing with one? White gamers! I rest my case!
I have proof that white gamers have gone back in time to try and stop Abraham Lincoln (The only non-racist white person to ever exist) from freeing the slaves! How dare they! The description of the assailant has been described as being from New York, having a green bird perched on his shoulder, and screaming ECH every so often, while whistling the OST from Banjo Kazooie. If you know where this man may be, contact your locally Timecop, most likely being portrayed by a black actor in the inevitable remake instead of Van Damme.
FACT: Every game that has a white person in it is made 1,000,000 times better by replacing the character’s race with that of a another race, especially people of color. It’s time to put an end to the
jedi white people. Excute order Route 66! (the most common place to find white gamers).
2. ZA WARUDO
That’s right! White gamers have ruined our very world! How? Donald Trump. *Drop Mic*
1. This Blog
Yes, this very blog is at the top of my list. Do you know why? It’s because I too am a white gamer! DUN DUN DUN!
So what can be done about white gamers? Genocide, of course. But i’m too lazy, so I’ll let them all live.
Do you agree? Should all white gamers be put to death? Agree with me, or your’re a bigot!
Anyway, this whole article was made as a parody of Buzzfeed’s ridiculous and terrible “37 Things Why People Need To Stop Ruining in 2018” article. Like I said above, please don’t take this stupid article I wrote too seriously, and remember that this world has no room for racism- yes, including racism towards white people.
Remember that were all in this together, and we must love each other, or we must die.