What in the hell did I just play?
Played on: Arcade via MAME
No seriously, what in the hell did I just play? Who made this?
Date posted: October 21, 2017
Playing though the entire MAME catalog, and your going to find some weird shit. Qix clones with naked ladies that turn into monsters, a Jackie Chan game using digitized sprites ala Mortal Kombat, and today’s subject, Hard Head.
Just look at this guy. LOOK AT IT. JUST LOOK AT IT!
What is Hard Head, you ask? Well it’s pretty much a cocaine fueled nightmare, most likely made in some South Korean sweatshop to sell to god knows who.
I tried and tried, but I could not for the life of me find any information about this game. For all I know, it may not even exist, only in my nightmares. The only things I could come up with are that the developers were SunA, based out of South Korea. According to Arcade Museum, there is only 7 known cabinets of the game to exist. I have no idea if this game is a bootleg, or what, but I can tell you the game it self is some insane shit.
There are no pictures of the arcade cabinet that I could find, and no known ports to any consoles or computers. This game will always be a mystery to me, and we allude me to the day I die.
Basically, you play as this bald kid who hits bricks, like Mario, but the powerups are useless. You also have a gun that traps enemies in bubbles, that then float to the top of the screen. You must find your way out every LSD trip to the end goal, where you can kick a soccer ball in the goal for extra points, because why the f#@k not?
Yep. Cigarettes as collectables. Smoke’em if you got’em!
Occasionally, you will have to avoid all sorts of vehicles that come from the right of the screen, complete with a horn sound effect. You will also have to get keys in order to progress, and they are put in the dumbest locations (Like right out side the freaking door!) The level design is all over the place, with floating balls as platforms, Indians trying to kill, and piano keys, for whatever reason. This game has to be seen to be believed.
The Washington Redskins mascot finally gets the game he deserves!
Hard Head is an enigma. I have no idea why it exists or even it deserves the right to. Everything about the game is nuts, from the music, graphics, and most notably its bosses. I can’t think of any reason why some mechanics exist. Why are some of the collectibles cigarettes? Why is there a Australian flag in the background of the first boss? Why is traffic trying to kill me? Why does this come up every time I pick up a heart?
I feel like I shouldn’t be posting this. I feel dirty…
Please, god, just tell me why this game is the way it is! I need some help!
A special mentions to the bosses, which are just ridiculous. You have some big ass skeleton.
Too spooky for me! And this isn’t even the worst!
What ever in the f@#k this is
Seriously. Why Australia? Do South Koreans hate kangaroos or something?
And of course the final boss which is OH DEAR LORD WHAT IS THAT?
The controls are really not that great. The levels are a clusterf#$k of idiotic and strange design choices- including facing the same 3 or 4 bosses multiple times over the course of 16 levels. There are also some painful platforming sections. Also, I have no idea what’s happening half of the time. Help me. I need help. I’m going to die, aren’t I? Also, that engrish.
The ending. I did not edit this, I swear!
Hard Head is a game that needs to be played to be believed. You can most likely find the rom for it easily, somewhere on the internet. It’s not one the best games, and defiantly has some very annoying problems, but it is worth looking into, to see how weird and strange the world of arcade games can get.
Oh, and there is a sequel. You bet your ass I’ll be covering that monstrosity when I get the chance.
This game is going to get this blog removed, isn’t it?
Agree? Disagree? Good! Leave a comment about how terrible my taste is in the comments below!